WHILE WE ARE HEALTHY
When is the best time to ponder death? Ideally now, when death is not a threat to the present. Similar to life, our outlook and behavior towards death are highly personal and unique. Taking the space to evaluate our mortality, and having a death plan, is a key characteristic of a healthy life. A characteristic that is not talked about enough. This process can be overwhelming when the first thing we feel when we think about death is usually a negative emotion. That is okay and completely normal. Ultimately, only you can make the choice to address your death or spend your life avoiding it. Before you dismiss the idea, think about what might happen if you do nothing. What would instantly “break”? What are some key pieces of information that only you know about the household (think bills and access to paying them)? If you do not have a will, your beneficiary and distribution of your assets are determined by the courts. This is not a fear tactic to force you into action, it’s to lay out some unpleasant truths that exist today in the United States. Let’s break down evaluating individual mortality into three parts.
Part 1: Working through Death Anxiety
Death Anxiety is the term used to describe the fear we feel when we think about our own death or someone else’s death. Regarding our death, this can include both death itself and the dying process. Acknowledging your feelings about death is essential. You can do this part alone, with someone you trust, or with a professional (therapists, death doulas, spiritual leaders, etc.). There are many podcasts that address death anxiety.
Looking for more information? Here is a great, sourced resource, that goes into further detail on this topic.
Part 2: Have a Death Plan
Having a death plan is one of the kindest gifts you can give your loved ones. It gives them a playbook to follow when they are at one of the lowest points in life, mourning you. Coming up with your death plan does not have to take a long time or be expensive. There are several books that break down this into steps. One important call out, if you are considering life insurance and long-term care, now is the cheapest time for these benefits!
Ready to get started? Check this out for great information.
Part 3: Having the conversation with your loved ones
You are working through or maybe finished processing your feelings about death. The death plan is out of the way and can be treated like colonoscopies; it gets inspected once every ten years or unless something big changes. The last, but certainly not least important part, sharing your death plan with your loved ones. Below are a few different ways to approach this topic with friends and family.
- Death over Dinner – Designed to start an engaging conversation over dinner.
- The Death Deck – Getting the conversation going with a thought-provoking card game.
- A PDF on “How to talk about death and dying”, a nice free version to get the discussion going.
A special note on talking to children about death:
If children are in your life, then you need to include them in critical conversations. The difference with adults, we tailor the conversation so children can understand. Even non-verbal children pick up on their caretakers’ emotions, so they may not understand what is happening or why, but they absolutely know something is wrong. If we leave them in the dark to “protect them”, we risk the unintended consequence of solidifying death anxiety in them. Love and reassurance will go a long way when words are hard to find.
WHEN WE BECOME TERMINALLY ILL
“You know what sucks most about cancer? It’s not the chemotherapy, it’s food tastes like you’re eating coins” – Cancer patient, 2013.
Up to this point, death got to hang out in the peripherals of life. Always there, but now, it has stepped right into the line of sight and blocked all the light. This is heavy and likely shocking news. First thing, take some space for yourself to process this news and know there is no right or wrong way to feel or “be”. All your feelings are valid; anger, anxiety, bitterness, despair, or even relief because you thought you were “crazy”. It is all valid. Please do not take this moment to belittle yourself, shame yourself, or do the classic American “it could be worse” game. This sucks. You are not alone and it is going to be okay. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind as you navigate this part of your journey.
Considerations:
- Knowledge is power – Take time to ask all the questions you have with your medical provider. It’s okay to have the same discussion a few times if that helps you get a grasp on this.
- Build your care team – What are your short and long-term needs? Engaging Hospice will not speed up your death. This is one of the best resources accessible through private insurance, Medicare, Medicaid, and Veteran’s Affairs (VA).
- Financial support – How long can you, or do you want to, continue to work? How will future bills and medical care be paid?
- Wrap up administrative work – If you do not have your end-of-life documents completed, do so now.
- Creating a Life Plan – How do you want to spend your remaining time? What is most important? What gives you peace?
Resources to help:
- Compassion and Choices “Tools to Finish Strong“
- American Cancer Society “All About Cancer“
- Hospice Foundation of America – Hospice overview
- The CPA Journal “Financial Planning during Terminal Illness“
- A guide for caregivers