UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE
Grief is the emotions we feel inside our body as we process a loss. Loss, not just death. We can feel grief when death is not present. For the purposes of this website, we will refer to grief in the context of death.
Mourning is the outward expression of grief, including cultural and religious customs.* Mourning will look different for everyone and is not bound by time. We choose “grieving” in the below to honor those who grieve but do not necessarily mourn by the definition.
*Definition provided by National Institute of Health (NIH) – National Library of Medicine.
I AM GRIEVING
No matter the circumstances, when death happens to someone close to us, the effects of that passing will leave a lifelong impression on us. Grief is the price tag we pay for the love we share with those close to us. Sometimes it is a game of roulette on who goes and who stays to pay that price. The more the love, the higher the price tag. This concept is actively avoided by most people. Grief hurts, it physically hurts inside our bodies and will last far longer than what most friends, professional settings, or broader society allows space for.
But, none of that really matters in this moment because someone close to you has died and this is one of the lowest points in life. Sorrow, numbness, despair, or any mix of emotions is completely normal and nothing is wrong with you. It’s okay to be angry at the ignorant bystander who has no idea what you’ve gone through and feels offended you didn’t return their smile (please do not physically act out though). It is okay to be furious that the sun is shining and people have the nerve to be happy about it. Whatever you are feeling is valid and keep in mind grief is not linear.
There is no defined timeline for emotions. They come and go, they conflict, and they even compete for attention causing the “I don’t even know what I’m feeling” sensation.
You have permission to grieve as long as you need to. Please advocate for yourself verbally; “Give me some space, I’m grieving.” It’s not on you to adjust to society during these times.
Grief Support Resources:
General support – What’s your grief?
Support after a child dies – The Compassionate Friends
Support after a military member dies – TAPS
Support after a suicide – American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
If you are in a crisis – Call 988 or text TALK to 741741
A special note on pet loss
The death of a pet is just as significant as the death of any close family member. In fact, there have been studies that allude to the idea we feel our pet deaths more than some family members. This makes sense as our pets have likely witnessed us in our most vulnerable moments. They greet us after long and stressful days. They help nurse heartaches back to normal. They give love when hardship happens and celebrate with us when we are excited. They love unconditionally and believe in us.
Once upon a time, a veterinarian said “You will know when ‘it’s time’ when your pet can no longer do 2 of their 3 favorite things”. Talk to your veterinarian about what to expect on the day. If possible, do this in advance. Pro tip – Pay for all the expenses before the day, so you can create the space for yourself to mourn your loss. And please, right after, give yourself all the self-care you can muster.
SOMEONE CLOSE TO ME IS GRIEVING
When it comes to someone close to us who is grieving, the golden rule of equality “treat others the way you want to be treated” may not be the best answer. Death is a very personal experience and what brings comfort and support to one person, may actually cause another person unintended pain. Let’s use the example of sending flowers. When a person dies it is common for others to send flowers for the service. The flowers are likely pretty and a kind gesture, but what if the bereaved goes through a “second death” experience and relives sorrow as they watch the flowers die?
It would be nice if there was a rule book on supporting someone who is grieving. Unfortunately, there is not, so we are left to make our best guess. An offer for support can be an offer to mow the lawn, playdate for the kids, or “I’ll stop by to make sure the trash is taken out to the street for the next month, if that’s okay”. Providing emotional support can be showing up for a service, offering your condolences, listening, and validating their feelings.
Since we are guessing and they are grieving, please do not take it personally if the help isn’t accepted. The thought and offer will go a long way.
Acknowledge your own discomfort in the situation
Death can be awkward, so taking a minute to evaluate how you handle an awkward situation could prove beneficial. An uncomfortable silence might be exactly what is needed. It’s only uncomfortable for us. For the grieving, you are “holding the space”. This means you are present, ready to listen, and being non-judgmental as they work through this very difficult time.
Keep the conversation going after the formalities have stopped
Rarely do acquaintances, neighbors or co-workers check in with the grieving after the service. Only close friends and some family are brave enough to talk about the deceased months and years later. We know grief does not follow a time-keeping system. Talking about the deceased can be healing. It lets the person know you still care and have not forgotten. It is okay to bring up your favorite memory of the deceased. If the rare case happens when it is not well received, or if the person states “I never want to discuss it”, then give yourself forgiveness knowing you tried your best. That is, after all, the best we can do.
Additional suggestions on how to support someone who is grieving can be found here.